The beginning
of my career was there. Tomorrow was Christmas Eve. We already
started preparing for the exchange of the Christmas presents.
While doing so, I spoke about my future, my ideals, which all
appeared shining most brightly before me in the lustre of
Christmas. Father joined my enthusiasm. Mother was quietly
happy. Grandmother's old, faithful eyes were shining. After we
had finally turned in for the night, I still lay awake for a long
time in my bed and contemplated what I had done right and wrong in
my life. For the first time, I grew fully aware of my internal
uncertainty. I saw the treacherous abyss gaping behind me, but
none in front of me, because my path seemed to be, though hard and
strenuous, still entirely free from obstacles: to become an
author; to achieve great things, but first to learn a great
things! To cast off, one after another, all those faults of my
inner self, which were the consequence of my wrong upbringing, so
that there shall be room for something new, better, righter,
noble! With those thoughts, I fell asleep, and when I woke, it
was already almost noon, and I had to go to the Hohensteiner
Christmas market to buy a few more small gifts for my sisters.
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