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Ellis, Havelock, 1859-1939

"The Evolution of Modesty; The Phenomena of Sexual Periodicity; Auto-Erotism"

' I
replied: 'If there were no God I would fear those threats; I am
consecrated to Him.' It was replied to me: 'You will not get much help
from God; He will abandon you.' I replied: 'God is my father; He will take
care of me; I have resolved to be faithful to Him.' He said: 'I will give
you three days to think over it.' I rose and went to the Holy Sacrament
with an anxious mind. Having returned to my room, and being seated on a
chair, it was drawn from under me so that I fell on the floor. Then the
same things happened again. I heard a man's voice saying lascivious and
pleasant things to seduce me; he pressed me to give him room in my bed; he
tried to touch me in an indecent way; I resisted and prevented him,
calling the nuns who were near my room; the window had been open, it was
closed; I felt strong movements of love for a certain person, and improper
desire for dishonorable things."
She writes again, at a later period: "These impurities and the fire of
concupiscence which the evil spirit caused me to feel, beyond all that I
can say, forced me to throw myself on to braziers of hot coal, where I
would remain for half an hour at a time, in order to extinguish that other
fire, so that half my body was quite burnt. At other times, in the depth
of winter, I have sometimes passed part of the night entirely naked in the
snow, or in tubs of icy water. I have besides often gone among thorns so
that I have been torn by them; at other times I have rolled in nettles,
and I have passed whole nights defying my enemies to attack me, and
assuring them that I was resolved to defend myself with the grace of God.


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