' She was also
haunted by the idea of preserving her purity. She avoided frivolous
conversation, and left the room when marriage was discussed, such a union
being incompatible with a pure life; 'it was my fixed idea for two years
to make my soul ever more pure in order to be agreeable to Him; the
Beloved is well pleased among the lilies.'
"Already, however, in a rudimentary form appeared contrary tendencies
[strictly speaking they were not contrary, but related, tendencies].
Beneath the mystic passion which concealed it sexual desire was sometimes
felt. At sixteen she experienced emotions which she could not master, when
thinking of a priest who, she said, loved her. In spite of all remorse she
would have been willing to have relations with him. Notwithstanding these
passing weaknesses, the idea of purity always possessed her. The nuns,
however, were concerned about her exaltation. She was sent away from the
convent, became discouraged, and took a place as a servant, but her fervor
continued. Her confessor inspired her with great affection; she sends him
tender letters. She would be willing to have relations with him, even
though she considers the desire a temptation of the devil. The ground was
now prepared for the manifestation of hallucinations. 'One evening in
May', she writes, 'after being absorbed in thoughts of my confessor, and
feeling discouraged, as I thought that Jesus, whom I loved so much, would
have nothing to do with me, "Mother," I cried out, "what must I do to win
your son?" My eyes were fixed on the sky, and I remained in a state of
mad expectation.
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