I may say that I had
decided that I should be obliged to lead a single life, and that
the less I thought about matters of sex, the more easy I should
find life. Later on I had religious ideas which helped me
considerably in my ideals of a decent, orderly, self-contained
life. I do not lay stress on these; they were not at all
emotional, and my physical and psychical development do not
appear to have run much on parallel lines. I had a strong moral
sense before I had a religious one, and a 'common-sense' which I
perhaps trusted more than either.
"When I was about 28 I thought I might perhaps leave off the
habit of regular relief I had got into. (It was not regular as
regards time, being anything from one day to six weeks.) The
change was probably made easier by a severe illness I had had. I
gave this abstinence a fair trial for several years (until I was
about 34), but my nocturnal manifestations certainly gathered
strength, especially when I got much better in health, and,
finally, as at puberty, began to worry my waking life. I reasoned
that by my attempt at abstinence I had only exchanged control for
uncontrol, and reverted to my old habits of relief, with the same
good results as before. The whole trouble subsided and I got
better at once. (The orgasm during sleep continued, and occurs
about once a fortnight; it is increased by change of air,
especially at the seaside, when it may occur on two or three
nights running.
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