I continued my operations until I obtained an
entrance. I think the rough handling of myself during this final
stage disturbed my nervous system, and caused me considerable
pain and exhaustion at the back of my head, the spinal column,
the back of my eyes, and a general feeling of languor, etc.
"I could not bear to be the slave of a habit, and after much
suffering and efforts, which only led to falls to lower depths of
conscious failure, my better self rebelled, until, by a great
effort and much prayer, I kept myself pure for a whole week. This
partial recovery gave me hope, but then I again fell a victim to
the habit, much to my chagrin, and became hopeless of ever
retracing my steps toward my ideal of virtue. For some days I
lost energy, spirit, and hope; my nervous system appeared to be
ruined, but I did not really despair of victory in the end. I
thought of all the drunkards chained by their intemperate habits,
of inveterate smokers who could not exist without tobacco, and of
all the various methods by which men were slaves, and the longing
to be freed of what had, in my case, proved to be a painful and
unnecessary habit, increased daily until, after one night when I
struggled with myself for hours, I believed I had finally
succeeded.
"At times, when I reached a high degree of sexual excitement, I
felt that I was at least one step removed from those of morbid
and repressed sex, who had not the slightest suspicion of the
latent joys of womanhood within them.
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