No one had spoken to me of the habit,
but from the secrecy of grown people, and passages I had heard
from the Bible, I conceived the idea that it was a reprehensible
practice. And, while this did not curb my desire, it taught me
self-control, and I vowed that each time should be the last. I
was often able to keep the resolution for two or three weeks."
Some four years later she gradually succeeded in breaking herself
of the practice in so far as it had become a habit; she has,
however, acquired a fuller knowledge of sexual matters, and,
though she has still a great dread of masturbation as a vice, she
does not hesitate to relieve her physical feelings when it seems
best to her to do so. "I am usually able to direct my thoughts
from these sensations," she writes, "but if they seem to make me
irritable or wakeful, I relieve myself. It is a physical act,
unassociated with deep feeling of any kind. I have always felt
that it was a rather unpleasant compromise with my physical
nature, but certainly necessary in my case. Yet, I have abstained
from gratification for very long periods. If the feeling is not
strong at the menstrual period, I go on very well without either
the sensation or the gratification until the next period. And,
strange as it may seem, the best antidote I have found and the
best preventive is to think about spiritual things or someone
whom I love.
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