At a somewhat later age, though while still a child, she
cherished an ideal passion for a person very much older than
herself, this passion absorbing her thoughts for a period of two
years, during which, however, there was no progress made in
physical sensation. It was when she was nearly thirteen years of
age, soon after the appearance of menstruation, and under the
influence of this ideal passion, that she first learned to
experience conscious orgasm, which was not associated with the
thought of any person. "I did not associate it with anything high
or beautiful, owing to the fact that I had imbibed our current
ideas in regard to sexual feelings, and viewed them in a very
poor light indeed." She considers that her sexual feelings were
stronger at this period than at any other time in her life. She
could, however, often deny herself physical satisfaction for
weeks at a time, in order that she might not feel unworthy of the
object of her ideal passion. "As for the sexual satisfaction,"
she writes, "it was experimental. I had heard older girls speak
of the pleasure of such feelings, but I was not taught anything
by example, or otherwise. I merely rubbed myself with the
wash-rag while bathing, waiting for a result, and having the same
peculiar feeling I had so often experienced. I am not aware of
any ill effects having resulted, but I felt degraded, and tried
hard to overcome the habit.
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